Tuesday, April 02, 2013


What is it about shopping that makes people act like heathens? During my many shopping excursions, I've encountered some crazy people.
It's as if there is some kind of transformation that occurs upon entering the parking lot, all civility gets thrown out the car window. I've narrowed most people down to four categories: Pushers, Invaders, Blockers or Talkers.

Pushers are people that are so desperate to get their bargains they plow into you without so much as an "I'm Sorry." Nope. Nothing. They just keep on keeping on. Wouldn't want to waste a few seconds to act like a human and perhaps miss out on that Charter Club sweater for 45% off.
If it's not the Pushers (you know who you are, lady with the blonde hair and glasses), it's the invaders.
Invaders do not know the concept of "personal space." Invaders are stealthier than Pushers, they sneak up on you and before you know it they are all up in your business. If you have an item laid out on a rack for perusal, they come along and lift it away, just to see what's underneath. If your cart is in the way, they'll move it, only to get even closer to you and the area you're looking at. If you refuse to move and let them also take a gander at the rack, you have become a Blocker.
Blockers can be aggravating, however I've noticed that they are, in most cases, the least rude. Blockers are the people, usually husbands who have been brought along to carry the bags, who block you from being able to look at merchandise. Most are daydreamers, unaware of their blockage until you politely ask to see something at which time they apologize and move along. However, if you encounter the "Cell-phoning" Blocker, BEWARE!, they are completely oblivious to any activity around them and it's best if you just give up and move on. Unless the Blocker then becomes, a Talker.
Talkers can come in the form of shoppers or workers, and once you encounter a Talker, it will be hard to run. Talkers will literally (really figuratively), talk you ear off. You may have made an innocent mistake and asked a Talker a simple question. However, by the time you realize you've engaged a Talker, it is already too late. They will comment on your items, your dress, how many pieces you want to take into a dressing room. They will talk about anything under the sun, much to the chagrin of those standing behind you in line. So to avoid accidental Talker-talk, it's best to always answer a polite, "No" to the question, "Can I help you find anything?". Or any other kind of question for that matter.

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Flypaper for freaks.

Every time I go to Verizon, something strange happens. Last time, some kid had a seizure and fainted in the middle of the sales floor. I think it was after he saw his text charges.

This time some deranged people caused a ruckus. It was a busy night, the place was packed. I was there to get my "New Every Two" and because it was busy, I had to wait to be helped which afforded me the opportunity to take part in my favorite past time....people watching.

First there was the lady with curling pins all over her head wearing bunny slippers with her kid who was wearing shorts, no shirt and a harness. He had a red balloon (99 luftballoons!!) He ran as far as the "leash" would take him, screaming and carrying on. Then the couple of the evening. Some guy, and what I would assume either his wife or mother (couldn't really tell). I didn't get a real good look at them because they say you should avoid direct eye contact with wild animals. But they looked something like this.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and she looked like this
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
But she was wearing something like this and had a strange looking half-bun on the side of her head.
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

From the moment they walked in, he was dropping the F-bomb and LITERALLY foaming at the mouth. Apparently he had a problem with his phone, and he wanted a new one, and he didn't want to pay for it and then he screamed, "Fucking cancel my contract with fucking Verizon!!" When the nice girl politely told him he would have to call customer service he then screamed at the top of his lungs, "Fuck you...do you hear me?? FUCK YOU" The place got so quiet you could hear a pin drop (which was odd because we were at Verizon, not Sprint), he then stormed out the door.

good times.

Sunday, February 03, 2013

Me no likey.

Facebook, you're on notice.

What is the deal with this shit people?

This kind of crap is popping up all over my news feed. I don't know what's worse, the fact that people create them, or the fact that my friends and family actually "like" them!!

Yes we would all like those adorable kids to get a puppy, preferably if it's Cujo, so it can take out the person who posted the photo of said kids holding the "Our dad said if we get one million likes we can get a puppy!"

Yay! Boo.

And trust me when I say no one would be more pleased to see Justin Bieber end his career then I.

Even worse are the reposts that say "if you love Jesus, like this picture, if not keep scrolling"

I always keep scrolling.

For Jesus. For soldiers. For kids with cancer.

Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling.

Facebook, sometimes I think we are in an unhealthy relationship.
Please, can we just stop this now?  It's even more annoying than that phase you went through where everyone was posting what color bras they were wearing.  You were supposed to be for midnight creeping, not meme photos.  That was what Twitter and Pinterest were good for.  And it's been tempting to cheat on you with them, but I just can't quit you Facebook.
So knock it off, if for no other reason than ....... THIS is why we can't have nice things.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

This is my life right now.

My dog is literally prairie-dogging it.

He refuses to get his paws wet on the grass, so now we get to smell his ass. He's a lab, I thought they were up for anything.

Leave it to us to get the defective one.

He will keep farting now until the very last second he can possibly keep that turd in, then he'll go out and stand just off the deck and release the load.

You are so glad you read this right now, aren't you?

Monday, January 28, 2013

"What's on my TiVo?" Catfish edition.

So because I sort of have a slight addiction to horrible TV, I decided to check out this new show called Catfish. Oh, it's terrible. Entertaining, but terrible. At the beginning of every episode I can't help thinking to myself, "This is going to end badly." Basically people who are in online relationships, but have not met and/or have suspicions about the person they are in a relationship with (and I use that term very loosely) contact this dude and he goes and investigates. Then they meet and it's either really awkward or really creepy. I'm watching my second episode and so far I've learned two things. One - there are a lot of lonely people in this world. And two - people are batshit crazy. I actually find myself making bets whether these people are going to end up being who they say they are. Its highly exploitative. I also find it very suspicious that these people take the deception, so well. The girl I've been talking to intimately is really a dude? Well gosh darn it. The guy I'm now engaged to is really a woman? Well I love her anyway. If this was the real world, these meetings would be much angrier and I suspect in many cases, violent. So thank you, MTV for once again proving there is no reality in reality tv. What the hell is wrong with these people?? And how is it there are enough of them out there to make a show?!

Fellow humans! Listen up! Stop what you are doing and go find your bullshit meters! Somewhere in the middle of tweeting and Facebooking, you lost them. Back in the days before social media, (you know when the majority of conversations occurred in person) most of us were able to tell if someone was selling us a load of shit. If what a person was saying didn't make sense, little red flags would go up. Now you think it's perfectly normal to share your deepest, most intimate thoughts with a person you have never met, who could turn out to be a complete sociopath. Have you never seen an episode of Criminal Minds? Law and Order? The Crying Game? If you are talking to someone online and they never want to talk to you on the phone, or never want to meet you face to face, run! If they are out of your league, be suspicious! Seriously, if you are average looking and "dating" someone who looks like a swedish bikini model, chances are extremely good that the bikini model is some guy who looks like Eric Cartman. For crying out loud, use some portion of your brain. Then we wouldn't have a show like this and we could go back to watching Teen Mom and Real Housewives.